Almost Over You – January 13, 2010, 1:07am

True friendship stays through the years. It stand still even when everything in this world ends. Well, it seems true to me. It is my reality. But everything is upside down when this true friendship is being shared by ex-lovers.

Why can’t it be? So I tried. A little spark that is left with me grew. It grew mightier and brighter than any stars above me. Until (I’ve realized that), it conquered all in me (heart, mind & even body). Yes, it’s a pure intention of friendship, most especially, when I have known that he has responsibilities already.

But sharing our lives became an addiction (at least, my addiction). I secretly wish a more frequent communication, at the same time, I pursued to be distant. Not until he asked me to add him in my facebook. I was stubborn to continue the friendship so I added him. My secret wish came true because we communicate often after that acceptance in facebook. We even shared games which causes additional addiction to me. Is it the games that I’ve got addicted or it’s sharing the games with him? I’m missing him always that leads me to always play the games to see him around. But things became worse. I’m missing him more than I could bear. It’s like, I’m attached to him again… with my dreams and with my future. Throughout those times, we refrain to be emotionally intimate again. Both of us initiate to keep distance whenever the cup of emotions overflows. But we’re just human and we can’t resist the happiness it gives when emotion is being shared. That was just a week ago.

And I can’t be a home wrecker! If there’s any problem with their relationship, I don’t want to get involved with. And more, I don’t want to come in between them. I still wish reconciliation between them. But this will be hard if I’m still around. And we tend to lean in each others’ arms.

Seeing his email in my inbox is like winning the lottery. Unfortunately, it was drawn yesteryears and cannot be claimed anymore. But then, it feels so great! My heart found a secret happiness. But it will only grow worse standing still on the same ground. So, I sent 2 quotes to live by, which I, myself, have created. He understood the message and he agreed. I’m in mixed emotions. I know that it’s the very best thing to do but I will miss my past love. I may never take back the time of great love but I can move forward. And this is the great gift I could give for everybody. This is it! I will always love my Mabuest. But despite of standing on the same ground, I wanna take two steps forward and another two steps to the right. And if ever I will step back, I will never be on the same ground again. At least for now I can say, I am ALMOST OVER YOU.

With sparkling hope - January 1, 2010, 1:53 a.m.

"A new beginning with sparkling hope of better tomorrow." This is my new year's wish text message to my nephew, Keizen, and my great friend, Boiet. In this year of Tiger, I have welcome it by reflecting more deeply the facts about life.

I saw people everywhere from different walks of life, celebrating New Year far from their homes. There are lovers, peer groups and families. They're here to watch a concert in welcoming the New Year. There are great numbers who are even carrying their toddlers and babies (of less than 1 year old). Their life is not my life and I will never choose it that way. Hence today, I am making an oath for my own life. When God permits that I can have my own family, I shall give my very best effort to celebrate the Christmases and New Years with the whole family, most especially if my siblings are not yet married. It is not about preparing the extravagant food but rather the spirit of togetherness and the happiness being with each other.

Haayyzzz... I am now dreaming having a family of my own. But hopefully, it's not another long distance relationship. Though I don't fear distance, I just value more those times of relating with each other personally.

On top of all these, I will fight for my own family's welfare and good relationship. May God continue to bless me with a good heart and good eyes to see only the great things in others... in the world.

Godspeed & Happy New Year!

Postscript:
By the way, I love the fireworks display. It feels like billions of stars are sparkling above me. I always love the fireworks display. But still nothing compares being at home, with my dearest family.

My Jake, His Avatar & our Hallow Connection – Dec 29, 2009

Neyteri teaches Jake the skills he'll need to survive on Pandora, where Neyteri is the Navi’s princess. Well, that’s Neyteri from the movie “AVATAR” which I have just watched thru a pirated DVD copy that I bought because of the recommendation of my office’s best friend, Mildred. And Neyteri is just like me.

After watching this movie, here I am, writing a blog about Jake in my own life. Jake & I are friends …best friends for more than two years before we realized that we already love each other not in platonic way anymore but in romantic way. He indeed has a very pure heart.

But with a sudden emotional catastrophe, we took different path and chose another fate. He said that if it is a great love then the love will stay there. I don’t want to see him again, at least mentally. But my heart keeps on missing him every now and then. Anyway, my heart is happier now that he came back. Not to be part of my clan but rather to be a friend of mine.

How can that be? Well, he’s always in his avatar being a friend of mine. Now you know why I have a sudden connection or reflection of that movie. He’s the God in my Zenith world and I am the Goddess there. Keeping the friendship seems right but it’s really not. He cannot be part of my clan but he still owns my heart. Just like that hallow connection. I just love my world. But it would be lovelier if he’s not using any avatar anymore and sharing the pure friendship only. Can he and his avatar become one (or merge)? And be free to share our friendship, our hallow connection, in both world? But only Jake can answer that. Despite of it all, he’s always free to come and go in my Zenith world. He’s always welcome… as long as the bond is strong… as long as the hallow connection is not broken.

Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me!

In my life, I have loved once and I have loved deeply. And like anything in this world, it is just temporary. And it's not because of death but rather one heart has given up first.

Love is like a dance and it always takes two to tango. And now, even if you wanna dance... dance free as if nobody is watching, it's not possible anymore. Otherwise, it will be sort of interpretative dance only. You dance with the beats, trusting your understanding and interpreting it based on what you believed in. Now I realized, it shan't be!

It shan't be!

Love is like a room also. The entrance and exit doors give more meaning to me now than before. Most people tried to go back through exit doors. And some will follow rules and enter the room through entrance door again. I tried both. But there are rooms that you shouldn't go back. You shouldn't entertain the thoughts of going back. Because as you leave the room again, you'll bring only a broken heart. It may be the strongest organ of our body but we are responsible to make it happy. Unconditional happiness I mean.

Though, being inside that same room again gives me a temporary happiness. Thought, you're sharing genuine happiness {at least}. But how can u trust the man who have hurt you before? Who have hurt you many times? and who are still hurting you? If you have the same melodies, things might never happened. And if you still have the same melodies, he will not do another foolish act to hurt you. It is a wonderful thing to be loved, but it's never an excuse to be cruel.

So, Stupid Cupid, please, stop picking on me!

The Phoenix & the Goldfish

Once upon a time in Puerto Galera, Phoenix is beside her Goldfish, looking at the stars above. He leans closely and whispers sweetly, "Those stars are beautiful but I don't have to look up anymore since MY STAR is now besides me shining brightly." Haaayyyyzzzzz.... how can a Phoenix-Goldfish love story be very romantic as that!

But just like the sms message, "If a bird falls in love with a fish, where would they live? Who gets the fins and who loses the wings?" - Our love is not possible this time. In either way, I'll keep the zenith in my heart as it is - untouched! And if my Phoenix continues to fly within my zenith, I'll always welcome him without whines. And heal his broken wings with my love and cares. There's no vain hope nor it is a fervent wish. I call it - HAPPINESS in zillion ways (pardonez moi s'il vous plait)! And I will still hold him dearly in my heart. Whenever, wherever and however!

This is me, my love and my life!

Perfectly Imperfect

After a year of breaking up stage and 2.5 years of moving on stage, here I am again, confirming the melody of my heart. That it takes forever to forget someone. He's not just someone that I've known but SOMEBODY who made me SOMEBODY, too. He's the poetry that flowers my heart, moist my lips and grip my hands. But that is sometime ago. Am I back to the same grounds? Hopefully not, I just can't stop myself remembering those sweetest smiles that he put on my lips. I'm perfectly imperfect then.


Sigh! CPA reviews are just reminding me of those bittersweet memories. Perhaps, we really can't have the best of both world. But I choose to be the best in whatever is left with me.


And today is a wonder. We still have a communication - sharing the love, care & martyrdom. How can I ever resist his charms? Instead, it becomes my sweet addiction. Ugh! still on my perfectly imperfect self.

30 things of 30 year old Lady

{Inspired with the article of Sir Bong at Facebook}

1. I am 10% Sexy, 30% Gorgeous and 60 % Magnanimous.

2. I like people who call me “LEDZ” and I love those who call me “SEXY”. I appreciate their thoughts to make me feel good.

3. My wish list contains playing tennis, exploring Palawan, scuba diving in Maldives, and traveling Paris with the man I love

4. I hate people taking my things without my permission, even if she’s my bestfriend or my mother.

5. For me, TOM & JERRY is a cartoon for adult.

6. I am very strict & perfectionist but I am pursuing not to be one… odd as it sounds!

7. I love NGO works but seen few hypocrites also.

8. I am a night person.

9. I can sense if someone is badmouthing me. That’s my asset but also my liability.

10. I love pink, sky blue and yellow colors.

11. I adore my parents a lot, I will fight for them.

12. I’m the youngest but I’m not a spoiled brat.

13. I am a family person and a home body.

14. With my nephews and nieces, I ‘m their closest TITA. One factor is I’m closer to their generation and the other is …

15. I’m the poorest among the siblings. But I live a happy and contented life ...living life to the fullest!

16. I’m not very particular with clothes/fashion as long as it covers my body and soul, then, fine  but I can spend much for that “most delicious” cheese cake in town.

17. I’m a late bloomer. I just started spending for my overall wellness.

18. I’m a bibliophile but I don’t have any collection of anything.

19. I don’t care what people think of me . If I’ll defend myself, they will not believe it anyway.

20. My brother and I fought in April 2007 and I never spoke to him since then.

21. In 2006, I had 3 greatest pains in my life. Betrayal of trust of my closest pal, flunked CPA board exam the 2nd time and broke up with my first love.

22. Numbers 1104, 1436228 & 6228378 and letters NNSO , HKalo & TCA have “meanings” in the past. {Nonsense!}

23. Mabu & Mabuest don’t exist in any dictionary of any language but was meaningful as II Cor. 13

24. I broke up/dumped my exbf several times and I was dumped only once. Then, everything is over.

25. I still have constant communication with exbf and still express love & care for each other – AS FRIENDS! {Etchos!}

26. I am distant to people who always badmouth other people.

27. I’m a lousy liar, very lousy liar!

28. It’s better to know NOTHING than to know someone’s deepest secrets .

29. Generally, I’m a serious person but can be wacky and loud if mingling with ADIKTUS.

30. I am still lost in Timbuktu from my journey in Iraq.